About a week ago, I was down at the local bingo parlor, desperately trying to stave off starvation and any real employment when I noticed a disheveled, sweatpants clad gentleman celebrating what he thought was a 'Bingo.' (It turns out, he was missing the 'O') It was Brad Johnson, himself, third string quarterback of our beloved 'Boys.
As I am a professional, I took the opportunity and conducted an informal, one-on-one with the beleaguered veteran:
Scott: Hello, Brad, how are you today?
Brad Johnson: What? You'll have to speak up Sonny.
SC: (Yelling) How are you today?!
BJ: Oh, I'm okay. (Yelling, gesturing)I wish that Oriental knew what a damned bingo looked like!
SC: Wow. Anyway, many critics are comparing the Cowboys to a great, sinking ship. How do you feel about these claims?
BJ: Sinking ship, eh? That reminds me, John Jacob Astor owes me a quarter.
SC: I think he's dead, Brad.
BJ: Either way... All my friends are dead.
SC: Um... I'm sorry.
BJ: Oh, it's okay. I thought it was my time back in '45. I was a POW in Dresden and I told those Krauts,--
SC: Sorry to interrupt, but-- (Johnson strikes me with his cane) Ow!"
BJ: Back in my day, we respected our elders.
SC: Uh... I'm sorry?
BJ: Where was I? Oh yeah, I had just got done plowing Greta Garbo, when who should walk in but Teddy Roosevelt himself...
SC: Wow, Mr. Johnson, quite a story.
BJ: Tell that to my grandchildren.
SC: So how did you feel about the decision to demote you to third string?
BJ: Well, Sonny, as long as I have my sweatpants, CBS television and vintage pornography, they can demote me to thirtieth string... (Distracted) Another one?
(Black man celebrates a bingo)
BJ: I swear, the coloreds are taking over.
SC: Your bitter, racist disposition is impressive, to say the least.
BJ: I know.
Friday, November 7, 2008
Thursday, November 6, 2008
Day Time Drama Starring Terrell Owens
T.O. used to be my mortal enemy. Now he is my homie. He is a solid contributor on our team when the QB isn't a spokesperson for Hoveround. Ever since he arrived (or more accurately when Parcells left) he has been a choirboy. So when he is poked and prodded by the media to talk about how he feels, and he then tells the truth, it is automatically assumed that he is going to EXPLODE. Check this out via the Dallas Morning News:
"I can be frustrated but if I go out and talk about being frustrated, then it's another story," T.O. said. "For me, I just try to keep it in check and make the most of my opportunities. That's the only thing I can do. From here on out, all I can do is just run my routes and put what I do on film. If I'm open and I don't get the ball, then I don't get the ball. There's nothing really I can do. I can't throw and catch the ball myself. I can only just do what I can control."
Now when I read that, I think he said all the right things. The only problem is that this is the very first story listed on SI.com with the title: "T.O frustrated by Dallas back up QBs". This is an obvious attempt to play on the 7 year old story of Terrell being a problem child. The media wants to remind us constantly that T.O. could blow up at anytime. It's the old "He's at it again, he'll never change" way of thinking. If this was any other WR it would be a non-issue. Put a guy like Hines Ward in T.O.'s place. If it was Hines that said this, does it even make a Pittsburgh paper? I doubt it. Terrell has learned that anything he says is going to be blown out of proportion so he is very careful with what comes out of his mouth. If only the public could be so smart.
And how could T.O. not be frustrated? I mean come on, this Cowboys team has SO much potential that has been wasted in the past three weeks thanks to a bad quarterback. So if T.O. says Brad Johnson sucks, he will be viewed as a monster even though anyone who has a brain should agree with him.
Skip Bayless is my most hated member of the national media. He is consistently bitter about the way his situation went down with the Cowboys, so he takes every shot he can at us. Instead of using "Terrell Owens" or "T.O." or "Stinky Pants McGee" to refer to our #1 receiver, he calls him "Team Obliterator". Skip almost has a heart attack on a daily basis attempting to proclaim that T.O. is the world's worst person even though guys like Osama Bin Laden and Chase Harrell are still out there on the loose. More on Skip in a later post.
The days of standing on the star, sharpie product placements, wing flapping and front yard push ups are over. With the way the media treats him, you would think that he is still calling his quarterback gay. It is unfortunate that he is scrutinized for every word he says. I mean have you seen the media horde that surrounds him every time he is available for comment? They hold microphones and salivate at the twisted column that they will write when T.O. even mentions that he is frustrated.
Well now I'm frustrated. Next Question.
"I can be frustrated but if I go out and talk about being frustrated, then it's another story," T.O. said. "For me, I just try to keep it in check and make the most of my opportunities. That's the only thing I can do. From here on out, all I can do is just run my routes and put what I do on film. If I'm open and I don't get the ball, then I don't get the ball. There's nothing really I can do. I can't throw and catch the ball myself. I can only just do what I can control."
Now when I read that, I think he said all the right things. The only problem is that this is the very first story listed on SI.com with the title: "T.O frustrated by Dallas back up QBs". This is an obvious attempt to play on the 7 year old story of Terrell being a problem child. The media wants to remind us constantly that T.O. could blow up at anytime. It's the old "He's at it again, he'll never change" way of thinking. If this was any other WR it would be a non-issue. Put a guy like Hines Ward in T.O.'s place. If it was Hines that said this, does it even make a Pittsburgh paper? I doubt it. Terrell has learned that anything he says is going to be blown out of proportion so he is very careful with what comes out of his mouth. If only the public could be so smart.
And how could T.O. not be frustrated? I mean come on, this Cowboys team has SO much potential that has been wasted in the past three weeks thanks to a bad quarterback. So if T.O. says Brad Johnson sucks, he will be viewed as a monster even though anyone who has a brain should agree with him.
Skip Bayless is my most hated member of the national media. He is consistently bitter about the way his situation went down with the Cowboys, so he takes every shot he can at us. Instead of using "Terrell Owens" or "T.O." or "Stinky Pants McGee" to refer to our #1 receiver, he calls him "Team Obliterator". Skip almost has a heart attack on a daily basis attempting to proclaim that T.O. is the world's worst person even though guys like Osama Bin Laden and Chase Harrell are still out there on the loose. More on Skip in a later post.
The days of standing on the star, sharpie product placements, wing flapping and front yard push ups are over. With the way the media treats him, you would think that he is still calling his quarterback gay. It is unfortunate that he is scrutinized for every word he says. I mean have you seen the media horde that surrounds him every time he is available for comment? They hold microphones and salivate at the twisted column that they will write when T.O. even mentions that he is frustrated.
Well now I'm frustrated. Next Question.
Monday, November 3, 2008
Bye Week Blues
As Tony Romo ascended into the upper echelon of quarterbacking and Drew Bledsoe faded into awkward obscurity, two things became clear: we needed a backup quarterback that had some experience and we needed someone to hold for field goals. Our fearless leader Jerry Jones scanned the Free Agent market to get a wily vet who would meet that criteria. What could go wrong, right?
Enter Brad Johnson.
When you think of a Super Bowl Quarterback, this might be the last man that comes to mind. This dude could possibly be the worst QB to ever win the big game.
Johnson last played for the Minnesota Vikings, where he was let go for the heralded Tavaris Jackson. Brad played so much like an old man that forgot to take his Geritol that Tav-Jack (that's his name in the streets; I should know, I'm an expert), in all his glory, supplanted him as the starter. Seeing Brad play here in Dallas makes me think they made the right decision.
After watching the past three games it should have been obvious to the coaching staff he just can't cut it as an NFL QB. I saw so many balls thrown off the mark that I thought I was watching Ryan Leaf again. The only difference is that Ryan Leaf could actually put some speed on the ball, Brad just lofts it into triple coverage.
And whats with the elbow pads? I mean seriously, is he preparing for an elbow drop from the top rope? Has he been practicing his Huricanrana? Does he call for a Tombstone Piledriver in the huddle? Or is he simply worried that his osteoporosis will cause his brittle bones to crumble the second a Defensive Lineman sneezes at him?
Furthermore, I am so sick of the angle that the media takes when talking about an old QB like Brad. "He's a vet, he knows how to move the chains." or "You know that this guy is a competitor, he's been here before." Both of these sentiments don't take into account the fact that he just is not any good. If you have to pray that the ball will make it within 10 feet of your intended receiver every time you throw, you simply cannot compete.
I'm embarrassed for the guy. I really am. But hey, we covered one of our problems when Tony became the #1; at least Brad can hold for field goals.
It's going to be a long bye week.
Saturday, November 1, 2008
The Sons of Schramm
We will cover everything Cowboys from the biased and sometimes downright unreasonable perspective of the lifelong fan.
We will unapologetically take cheap shots at the Cowboys' rivals. (For example, I might say "The Redskins are a bunch of limpwristed nutsuckers."
We will drink excessively in the parking lot and boo the fans of the opposing team with vigor. Children, the elderly, political figures... If they're not Cowboys fans, they can suck it, long and hard.
We will sometimes even provide frank and in-depth analysis of our beloved team.
We are, after all, the Sons of Schramm.
Note: If you have to ask how we got our name, you can click on the link below and, then, seriously reevaluate your life.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tex_Schramm
Go Cowboys
We will unapologetically take cheap shots at the Cowboys' rivals. (For example, I might say "The Redskins are a bunch of limpwristed nutsuckers."
We will drink excessively in the parking lot and boo the fans of the opposing team with vigor. Children, the elderly, political figures... If they're not Cowboys fans, they can suck it, long and hard.
We will sometimes even provide frank and in-depth analysis of our beloved team.
We are, after all, the Sons of Schramm.
Note: If you have to ask how we got our name, you can click on the link below and, then, seriously reevaluate your life.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tex_Schramm
Go Cowboys
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